


Letting Go

by orangefriday



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-02
Updated: 2011-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangefriday/pseuds/orangefriday
Summary: Things don't happen for a reason. They just happen. Whether it's supposed to, or whether it could have been, they happen. And sometimes, you have to learn to let go.
Relationships: Ian Hecox/Anthony Padilla





	Letting Go

When you say ‘I do’ and stitch your life to the person in front of you so that only death is what will separate you, it should be them that holds your gaze and it should be happiness and excitement that spills fourth between each other’s eyes.  
  
But, for you, it’s the blue expanse over your shoulder that captivates your whole entire existence.  
  
There’s everything in those lips, in the angle of narrow chin and the tip of his nose. There are lonely nights of wanting and lust-filled moments of desire in those fingers that you wish could touch places where no one has. And it’s when you look into his eyes, that there are a million sensations that grip your heart until beating is painful and excruciating.  
  
“I’m going to marry her,” you had announced and those words had replayed in your head like a broken record for days and weeks. You would want and hope and wish that it weren’t a smile and a happy ‘congratulations’ that follows. But it is and your heart drops deep and tries to bounce back up only to be caught in your throat, thudding hard and dying as it struggles to keep you alive.  
  
You don’t understand why you have cornered yourself in this situation. Why is it that you felt obliged to do these things and why is it that you distance yourself from the only one person you want to be connected soul and life to.  
  
You don’t understand yourself at all and these feelings make you do crazy things.  
  
You tell yourself it’s for the best. You say to the mirror, this is reality and this is the way things should be. Do not wish for more and for unthinkable things. Anything you want beyond what you already have is impossible. It’s not a question of taking risks but of preserving what already is. You’re so scared as you kneel on one knee and give your life to her.  
  
He holds you a party, yells enthusiastically and brags to everyone that he’s the Best Man. He takes your wrists and spins you around when he has drank too much and you feel those pins and needles gently caressing your ecstatic heart as he takes you into a hug.  
  
And you smile and laugh with him into the camera. You whoop and chug down shots of white grape vodka, hoping the clarity of alcohol can grant you a hand in making your path clear.  
  
For a while you get caught up in the celebratory high that surrounds you and her. You’re too busy planning and meeting and figuring out and making time for what happens when you decide to put the rest of your life on a ring around the fourth finger of her left hand. She’s got it and you gave it to her. You can’t take it back and you forget for a little while that you had wished you were brave enough to give it to him.  
  
When you read your vows to him, asking him for help, he sits across from you, chin in hand and eyes half closed, listening intently. And for a little bit, you read the thoughtless words on paper but then your eyes drift off, lost in the sea that is him and the words flow like a honeyed steady stream from your heart. He doesn’t notice you only have two lines written when he smiles easily and sighs, whispering it’s perfect.  
  
You wish he had noticed.  
  
Months go by and the day draws near. You feel your life in these months have been leading up to the wedding. You can’t imagine what everything will be like once it’ over.  
  
When you and her go look at houses and find a small one with a quaint porch and painted conservable beige and brown inside and out, you count the miles between you and him. It’s not a long distance but it stretches as you realize all the coming moments that will be spent apart.  
  
And he’s got a hold of you even though he is not in the same room and even though his turn walking side by side with you in this road that is your life is coming to an end, you can’t imagine it. There’s a black nothingness ahead of you. It’s almost worse than eternal sleep.  
  
Her lips are soft and pink. Her skin is smooth and pale. Her hair is feathery as it falls over your naked body. Her breath touches you all over and she tastes like strawberries and cinnamon. When you release the held breath in your lungs and when she cries your name, lovingly and sweet with sweat glistening in the moonlight, you wish it wasn’t her that kisses you.  
  
Your mind wanders off, to the boy that is so close but so far and you whisper his name in the silence of night, testing it on your tongue. You even dare to close your eyes and touch the ache that swims forcibly in the centre of your being. The ecstasy as you come, his face burned in the back of your eyelids as white spreads over onto the emptiness beside you, is incredible.  
  
And she’s suddenly beside you, heaving a deep sigh in her slumber. You had forgotten.  
  
“Tomorrow,” he says, as he helps you to pack the remainder of your things in the shared sanctuary that is your home, “is the day.”  
  
You nod and look at the walls. How many moments have they seen? How many moments of joy, of silliness, of pain, of tired nights and of lonely, wishful, hurting times have these white walls witnessed?  
  
Could they tell him what you’re too scared to say?  
  
You shake your head as you glance into the mirror and force a smile at the man with the too tight tie and the kept hair. His brown eyes light up as blue eyes peek around the door. The smile is unrecognizable as he turns around to face his friend.  
  
You realize the happy man is you as you walk down the aisle. You realize it’s you as you take your place beside him and you realize that man will be gone the moment you leave this church.  
  
And if you were brave enough, if you were strong enough and if you weren’t scared of losing him, you would try. You would fight and you would hold him in your arms and tell him everything. He’s everything you want to be and everything you will ever need.  
  
But, no, as you slip the ring on and kiss your bride. And never, as you walk down and look into the smiling faces of your friends and family. And I still love you, as you glance back at him.  
  
He’s standing there, tears in his eyes as he lets you go.


End file.
